Three days after his death my friends were huddled in the room locked away from life and reality – I didn’t go. What would be the point? They would only be discussing how to get back to Galilee un-noticed. I don’t know what to do. I suppose in truth I don’t know what to do because I don’t know what to believe.

I mean, if Jesus is risen; if Jesus is alive what does that mean? Surely something will change? I don’t know what to do because I’m confused and, well, maybe a bit angry. Why did Jesus let us down by giving his life? Why didn’t he fulfil his destiny as we had understood it in the stories?

I’ve now met Peter, and Mary, and they said they’ve just met Jesus and they are not going back to Galilee just yet. What? They’re seeing things of course. Except that they said he breathed… he breathed… on them. Well, dead people don’t breathe, ghosts don’t breathe. I laughed of course.

Later I remembered how in our community stories it’s said that God breathed on the very first human beings and gave them life, a different kind of life. I wonder if this has anything to do with that? No of course it doesn’t: he’s dead, you stupid idiot.


I remember quizzing him when we sat down for that last meal. ‘What do you mean you’re going to prepare a place for us?’ I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re on about; and I doubt my mates here know what you mean. ‘What do you mean you’re going to prepare a place for us?’ ‘Way, what way?’ Of course Jesus responded like it always, gets to my heart. “I am the way, the truth and the life.” What did you mean, ‘I am the way?’

So, I thought I would go and challenge them. They’ll be together again a week later and I might as well go and be with them. If we’re going to die we might as well all die together.

I’m not on my own here you know. You know what it feels like to doubt.
We all carry that confusion in our lives. Do you remember that Moses said ‘Oh don’t send me’. And Isaiah said ‘no not me’. I understand: it’s okay to doubt. That’s what our community story tells us. We all doubt. When the fathers crossed the Red Sea they immediately began to doubt that God was their Way, that God was true to his word, that God saved them and gave them Life.

That cunning old worm in our heads is still saying ‘has God said?’
Actually I’m quite proud of my doubt. It shows I’m a reasonable person. I need to see things; I need to know things. Except that it’s odd that when my forefathers saw God at work they only believed for a few minutes and then doubted again. I suppose in a way it’s good to know I’m not very different.

Still, I will go and I will meet with them and we will die together.
So we met together again; talked this silly talk still. And I’m listening and scoffing: insane friends: be reasonable – this is not true: ‘unless I see the wounds and touch him then I’m not going to believe’. I need to see, seeing is believing.

I’m not sure how long he was behind me, listening, smiling. I’m not sure how long my mates knew he was there behind me, listening, smiling. ‘Hi Thomas I’m here’. ‘Come and touch me’. How do you respond to that? Hello, when your head is spinning, and yet your eyes are seeing, how do you respond to that? All I could do was blurt out ‘my Lord and my God’.

He didn’t say to me ‘where were you last week?’, ‘why do you keep doubting, what’s the problem’. He didn’t say any of that, he just said ‘put your hand here’. He met me where I was. Except that even now I’m not sure where I was.
I met him again later by the sea of Galilee. We had fish and bread together. He shared wonderful things with us during those times before finally leaving us with something of his deep inside us.

So that was it, in truth I still have times when I doubt. I can’t stop questioning, or reasoning. Yet I have found that what he said about being My Way has come true and I have found a new life; not simply a new purpose but a new life. I’ll have to work on that.

Who was Doubting Thomas? Go Here.